Ramblings · and · More

He is a fine guy but I’m just not too sure if I can trust him. Always convincing myself to give him benefit of the doubt, or maybe it works both ways, he doesn’t trust me either.

I’m too accustomed to daily phone calls from my first bf, to occasional calls from subsequent bfs and now almost none from the present. Why is it so hard to just punch my numbers on his phone and say a hello? How is it difficult to meet me more than once a week? It keeps me wondering if I’m really what he claims me to be- girlfriend? Or girl-friend? There were umpteen times I had to raise my brows and shake my head in disbelief listening to his crappy excuses.

“Not used to talking on the phone” – Not that interested to hear what I have to say or comment, no interest regarding my life.

“Used to sleeping alone” – It’s indirectly telling me he wants to be single forever.

“Too much things to do at work, busy lately” – Can make time for everything else but me.

It has only been 2 months+ and I’m experiencing all these like as though we have dated for years.

He is putting in effort, however for all the shits he is putting me through, his efforts seem rather obscured. And why am I still putting up with him? This is something I like to find out. Some said that I might have fallen for him, but I beg to differ. He does not possess any of the qualities I’m looking for in a bf. I hate his job, I dislike his personalities. How can I allow myself to settle for something less? I don’t love him, I don’t like him either. But why am I still persistently hugging on to a vulnerable twig off the cliff? Because I want to fall to my death? Because I want to be punished for all the wrongs I did in my previous relationships? Because subconsciously I believe that I don’t deserve anyone good? Because of what? I have to admit I’m feeling jealousy in me. I’m jealous of his work, jealous of his friends and jealous of the girls he ever mentioned.

We started off on the wrong foot. The day I agreed to go back with him I already knew well I threw away all my chances to start a proper relationship with him, yet I did not stop myself. I lost myself, I lost the integrity I always uphold and I lost my worth. I’m no longer myself. And who I really was? I was independent, feisty, boring, and faithful and had a big ambition. Who am I now? I’m needy, desperate for attention, a party animal, a drunkard and someone who is giving up on all that is important.

How can he love me when I don’t even love myself anymore? So he can’t be blamed right? There are so many things I want to tell him, I just do not have the guts to do so.

I lied to him. I told him I cheated only once, but the truth is, I cheated on all my exes. I cheat because I don’t want to get cheated by them like my mom experienced. I stayed loyal to my first bf for 8 years until I felt he was going to make me wear a green hat, and from then onwards, the faith in me to stay loyal took a nosedive. And how can I bring myself to tell him that I was molested twice when I was a little kid. A 15 year old boy slapped my face with his dick and a middle age man caressed my bottom. I had a baby and I have no idea who the father was? How can I tell him all these when I know he will look at me in a different light. For by my words I will be justified, and by my words I will be condemned too. I have so many things in life that I’m not proud of and I want to change starting from this relationship and a new chapter to my life. I want to be the girlfriend he can flaunt to in front his friends and his family.  

The importance of keeping a watch over my words was one of those things that went by the wayside. A fatalistic attitude of que sera sera, whatever happens happens, took over in my heart, even though I knew better. I have been living in my guilt everyday and out of the abundance of my heart my mouth speaketh so I’m taking a risk now coming clean with my dirty secrets. A gamble he might not accept me for what I have done previously. I’m willing to be honest; will he do the same for me?

Through the tunnels of disbelief,
Through the corridors of change,
Through the hallways of insanity,
Through the pages of shame and blame.

I want to change for the better.

'Throughout all eternity, You forgive me, I forgive you.'

Relationship can make me a happy camper almost everyday and on bad days, it can rip me apart like a rag doll.

It’s a sad state of affairs that guys I like always say I’m unreasonable and ridiculous. Are there any guys out there who are more willing to accept my absurdness?

Feels like this time I’m en route to a place I have never been – Kingdom of Single hood.

I can foresee myself breaking down in no time. I think I’m suffering from borderline personality disorder. Not that I think, I am.

Have you ever felt so painful on the inside, and you just externalize your emotional anguish? Or worse deep-six your life because it’s costing you too much.

Bruised and battered by your words, Dazed and shattered now it hurts
Haven't I always loved you

But when I need you, You're almost here. And I know that's not enough
And when I'm with you, I'm close to tears, 'cause your only almost here

 Almost there but not quite yet. Demanding is my middle name, Hard-to-handle is my first. Say and think all you want, I’m numb. Who doesn’t long for someone to hold, who knows how to love you without being told. Can someone tell me why I’m on my own if there’s a soul mate for everyone?

I know I’m not perfect, not anywhere near there, I’m only human, who only dream of and hope for things I never had. I'm sorry to "perfect" you so i can be perfect.

I kept telling myself mark has tried hard enough and that I should be satisfied. Time can flush away all bad memories isn’t it? All I need is time right? The question is how long I am going to stay like this. How am I going to love someone new when I can’t even put away my past? How many more people am I going to lose before I finally learn how to cherish? Why can’t I just grow up, why can’t I just open my eyes a little wider to see who is really good to me?

i hate my bf.
i hate him
i hate him 
hate him hate him

he calls to tell he's gg to sleep most of the time,
he calls but dun talk most of the time,
he always say call you later, and then return the call more than half a day later,

how can i possibly not get upset. yes i know i used to have an ex bf who stayed by my side 24/7.
but this is seriously way overboard. which bf lets his gf waits more than half a day for his call. which idiotic bf calls but dun say anything half the time. Which asshole ignores his gf simply because he doesn't feel like talking. Go on and say i'm unreasonable, what i want is fairly reasonable, i dun need him to be with me every single day, just show me some concern and love eg. phonecalls and msges. does that kill him to do these? and when i say phone call, i dun mean a phonecall to tell me he is gg to sleep.

will he die talking more? place me on par with other priorities? sounds more like bullshit to me.

Sometimes, hate overtakes love. Hate can cut through someone’s heart. It can blind someone and cause them to do horrible things to another person. Get hurt, and you hate. The better you know someone, the more ammo you have to hurt them with. The opposite of love is hate, but the opposite of hate its not love, its indifference. You guys should know who i hate. I hate everything about him, hope he get stucked with that ugly piece of fermented tofu for as long as possible. Hope nothing goes smoothly in his life, hope he will always be in heavy debts, hope he fails everything. These are my birthday wishes for him. All the Worst!